I arrived home, stressed and mad because the Internet was acting up again.

I resorted to the broadband my sister which is now technically mine because she doesn't use it, owns. And for a while, my computer wasn't the extended part of my body.

I actually watched two movies with my mom who was sick today. Both were romantic films but also were just as good as Sherlock Holmes anyway. :)

I also managed to get my homework done.

What striked me the most, was how I was able to actually leave the front screen of my laptop and do something else. Like fix my file case, get some stuff done actually, watch a movie...all the things I've been missing because I've been far too hooked into the internet.

Now that the internet miraculously fixed itself, I'm its slave once again. But I'll be looking forward to the weekend, were I will be in Tagaytay, somewhat away from the buzz of the Internet and actually having a STOP experience, looking at things that actually do matter in a sense, things that are beautiful and not stressful...just like the things I still have to do.

kai-Out!

My day was absolutely brilliant...until we got home.

My mom saw this bank statement or documents or whatever...and it dawned on me that there are certain financial issues that I thought were way past weren't at all.

My mood dove from that point. I don' really know what happened but then I started thinking about the future again and how I have no clue what it is at all, what my future really is.

And then I got all these selfish thoughts on how I was giving up my dreams just to work and help my parents with all there problems. And to other selfish things...

I isolated myself from my family really tonight...and got to thinking to myself.

That is really a freedom to cherish when your mind is just to you and you just rant and answer yourself because the answers just suddenly pop out.

And it did.

As I was getting ready to take a shower to clear my head, it just dawned on me what the right thing to do was and God really does have a sense of humor when it comes to these things. He especially cheered me up with my playlist because He really just answered me with it. :)

I really do not believe in coincidences. I am the 'everything happens for a reason' person. What happened tonight just reaffirms all those beliefs.

What struck me most tonight is how He showed me that even if I am facing something alone, I have people to cheer me on, who will never let me give up and fail. It just got my heart when they all gave me words of encouragement and I just can't help but cry at all the things I've experienced for the past half hour.

I am truly grateful for what I have and whatever happens now...happened because there is something more to it.

I don't know why....I just don't know why I am making such a big deal of the 9th year that he is in heaven.

Before, this day was an ordinary day. Sure it was his last here on Earth but today, this year, this 9th time something is different.

Maybe I'm just pitying myself because of stress in school...

It's just this August 26, 2010 is different from the past 9 August 26 that my brother has been dead.

Something is different about today that I feel I just should write about it.

I meant the title above. Everything I am today, a fan of Anime and a lot of other boyish stuff is all because of my brother. He introduced me to all of this, so if there is someone to blame for me being childish most of the time, it would have to be my brother.

Reached a mental block here. Something is really different this 9th year. Is it really because of the bad news I got earlier today? Or is it because it is also the last day of the term? I really don't know.

I mean, I can't even remember what happened last year on this day....

But I clearly remember what I was doing at any given time exactly today, 9 years ago.

Why am I making such a fuss about today? Why am I such making a fuss about my deceased brother on his 9th death anniversary?

Maybe its because I got used to the fact already that we are really 4 in the family and not 5... Is it because of that?

Do I blame him for what I received this morning in class?

Am I scared that he'll suddenly show up and scold me for all the things I have promised but never did?

All I know is I am making such a big deal about today and I really don't know why...

It's actually a big relief writing all this down. I don't know if I want people to actually read this or not but I will post in anywhere I want to...

I do miss my brother. I wished we had more time together. I'm envious when I hear my friends talk about how close they are with their older brothers, how even if they tease each other, they still love spending time with one another.

Maybe that's it...I can't really remember having a brother figure in life and I wish I could but it was such a long time ago. I miss having him around. Someone to goof of with. Someone who can drive me wherever I want....but I highly doubt Kuya Ricky would do that.

I'm making such a big deal of today that I don't even know if I want this day to end or not.

All I know is today is the 26th of August. A lot of people are celebrating their birthdays, a lot of my friends are celebrating their birthdays. My family is celebrating his birthday in heaven.

Exactly 9 years ago today, my brother died. I don't even know the cause of death but I don't care. He had Bone Cancer. He was 15 when he died.

He died without any of us near him. He was on his bed, in his room, all alone.

And what i truly and utterly know. What is true, what is a fact....is that I miss him and I love him.

Alright I am not sure if randomness is a word. (But the auto spell check didn't place red lines beneath the word so I am guessing it is a word.)

Contemplation is a blog entry that was due to a well thought through session with myself. Its like having an argument with your mind.

As I was fixing my blog, I realized why do random things happen. Like my first entry. Why did I think of life all of a sudden. Why did I decide in the middle of the entry to make it read like a song then decide against that decision after wards.

I mean, why do random things happen. And then it hits while I am contemplating. Not the answer but another question. If random things didn't happen then life would be pretty darn boring.

If one random act which was suddenly switching channels and finding a movie that has a bit of excitement in it, makes you hook into it then it is one of those destined things. But what if you didn't do that random act. What if instead of choosing randomly what you want to watch you get stuck with something boring?

Randomness maybe hat makes life have its taste. Randomness is a spice to add whatever it is that life has and multiplies it. You notice that I am using food as an analogy when I am hungry because it is almost dinner time.

Random right? But it did bring more humor into this God forsaken entry and well it is a nice way to end this entry as well.

Contemplation. Time to contemplate once again.