It's been over a year since the last time I posted here and I've been joggling a lot of blogs lately but then I remembered, maybe it's high time I go back and do a serious blog entry again and where else to post that than here.

Where basically random thoughts just seem to pop up...

As I look back to where I was a year ago, I remember all the stress of thinking about my OJT requirements and if we were going to pass our THESIS or not. And now, what am I worried about? The result of an English exam that will either make it or break it for me to study abroad which requirements I have been putting off as of late in doing.

I guess, the title still hands up there. What am I going to do next?

In all honesty, I am in the middle when people asked am I happy. I am but I am also not. I hate being stuck in a routine but yet I am in my current life. I hate being ordinary, I hate having a planned schedule although most personality tests say that I am a well-organized person (believe me just see my table and you'd say the result was invalid).

Semester break is coming up and I never thought I'd be able to experience something like that again bit here I am. I don't have work when there is a suspension of classes. I live about 10 minutes away from where I work. And I'm the last person to leave the house but the first to return. And I earn my own money which I spent twice as fast.

I'm also a very sick person who hides the fact that she has heart palpitations and migraines from her parents. I am on steroids everyday and I am slowly turning into a walking bowling ball.

Plus the fact that I am turning 21 this Saturday is really no big deal at all.

That's probably the stressor of this blog entry. Or the fact that I was just in a writer of a mood tonight. Well we still got tonight (pun for the current song playing in my Itunes from Matthew Morrison). And then we have Avril's Complicated. :)

I'd better conclude this before I start ranting or prolonging your agony because you are just curious and want to see how this ends.

What is the next step? The next step is to close this laptop, get into bed, maybe read a few pages of the current book I am reading, update Twitter one last time for the day, close my eyes and relish the sleep and rest. Because tomorrow is another day, is another challenge, is another round of life and we will never know what it has in store for us.

(I do have an inkling in the image of a 3rd grader who makes my blood boil because he is such a spoiled brat but never mind that.)

So if you are at the cross roads and do not know what to do, take a deep breathe and rest for a while because God knows, you've earned it.

We had to take this very long (240) test regarding our characters for my Positive Psychology class. The results of the test highlight what character strengths an individual has. All in all, I think there are about 21 character strengths defined by the test. But our professor just told us to get the top 5 strengths that we have.

I wasn't surprised when Spirituality and Religious made it to my top 5.

I'm a Catholic. Born, raised, grew-up in a very Catholic environment. My mother side, who lives in Quezon City, was named Most Outstanding Christian Family in the Philippines two years in a row. I hear mass every weekend (may it be Saturday's anticipated mass or Sunday mass). I pray the rosary every day. I pray novenas for Our Lady of Perpetual Help and St. Jude as well for the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I wear a scapular. I go to confession during Lent, Advents and as much as I can. I practice fasting and abstinence during Lent and participate in our provincial procession in Lipa, Batangas. And I have loved my Catholic experience from day 1.

Before, I wasn't really doing it because of my faith. I went to mass and I prayed because my parents told me too. That all changed when I became a delegate for the 4th World Meeting of Families that was held here in the Philippines back in 2003. I was the youngest delegate from our school and it was the best experience of my life! I got to meet delegates from other countries and other parts of the Philippines. I met Bishops and Priests from around the globe and the best part of it all was I learned a lot of things about being a Catholic.

After that, I guess my faith in God strengthened. I saw the Catholic practices in a new light. It helped a lot that my best friend was very active in our Youth Ministry in the parish beside our school and I was able to attend prayer meetings. My mother side is very active in the Legion of Mary where I am also an auxiliary member. I was part of the Catholic Action in high school, being part of the Lector and Commentators as well as the Music Ministry.

I totally lost track of this blog because I basically just blabbed about my Catholic experience which I think was not the point of the Character Strength activity which my friend my made. (I'm guessing I won't use this for that anymore). But through contemplating it over, I love the Catholic practices I have been emerged into. These are traditions that have withstood the test of time and are still being done today. Sure many people would say that Catholics are conservative pigs who hate change but I don't and my family doesn't either.

Catholics and Catholics for a reason. I'm not conservative as well. I agree with some provisions with the RH Bill. I am not against those people who love each other regardless of gender. What matters in the end is I believe in God, and I believe in His love for us.

At the end of the day, the question is, what do you do with what God has given you? How do you repay God for His love? What do you do?

I arrived home, stressed and mad because the Internet was acting up again.

I resorted to the broadband my sister which is now technically mine because she doesn't use it, owns. And for a while, my computer wasn't the extended part of my body.

I actually watched two movies with my mom who was sick today. Both were romantic films but also were just as good as Sherlock Holmes anyway. :)

I also managed to get my homework done.

What striked me the most, was how I was able to actually leave the front screen of my laptop and do something else. Like fix my file case, get some stuff done actually, watch a movie...all the things I've been missing because I've been far too hooked into the internet.

Now that the internet miraculously fixed itself, I'm its slave once again. But I'll be looking forward to the weekend, were I will be in Tagaytay, somewhat away from the buzz of the Internet and actually having a STOP experience, looking at things that actually do matter in a sense, things that are beautiful and not stressful...just like the things I still have to do.

kai-Out!

My day was absolutely brilliant...until we got home.

My mom saw this bank statement or documents or whatever...and it dawned on me that there are certain financial issues that I thought were way past weren't at all.

My mood dove from that point. I don' really know what happened but then I started thinking about the future again and how I have no clue what it is at all, what my future really is.

And then I got all these selfish thoughts on how I was giving up my dreams just to work and help my parents with all there problems. And to other selfish things...

I isolated myself from my family really tonight...and got to thinking to myself.

That is really a freedom to cherish when your mind is just to you and you just rant and answer yourself because the answers just suddenly pop out.

And it did.

As I was getting ready to take a shower to clear my head, it just dawned on me what the right thing to do was and God really does have a sense of humor when it comes to these things. He especially cheered me up with my playlist because He really just answered me with it. :)

I really do not believe in coincidences. I am the 'everything happens for a reason' person. What happened tonight just reaffirms all those beliefs.

What struck me most tonight is how He showed me that even if I am facing something alone, I have people to cheer me on, who will never let me give up and fail. It just got my heart when they all gave me words of encouragement and I just can't help but cry at all the things I've experienced for the past half hour.

I am truly grateful for what I have and whatever happens now...happened because there is something more to it.

I don't know why....I just don't know why I am making such a big deal of the 9th year that he is in heaven.

Before, this day was an ordinary day. Sure it was his last here on Earth but today, this year, this 9th time something is different.

Maybe I'm just pitying myself because of stress in school...

It's just this August 26, 2010 is different from the past 9 August 26 that my brother has been dead.

Something is different about today that I feel I just should write about it.

I meant the title above. Everything I am today, a fan of Anime and a lot of other boyish stuff is all because of my brother. He introduced me to all of this, so if there is someone to blame for me being childish most of the time, it would have to be my brother.

Reached a mental block here. Something is really different this 9th year. Is it really because of the bad news I got earlier today? Or is it because it is also the last day of the term? I really don't know.

I mean, I can't even remember what happened last year on this day....

But I clearly remember what I was doing at any given time exactly today, 9 years ago.

Why am I making such a fuss about today? Why am I such making a fuss about my deceased brother on his 9th death anniversary?

Maybe its because I got used to the fact already that we are really 4 in the family and not 5... Is it because of that?

Do I blame him for what I received this morning in class?

Am I scared that he'll suddenly show up and scold me for all the things I have promised but never did?

All I know is I am making such a big deal about today and I really don't know why...

It's actually a big relief writing all this down. I don't know if I want people to actually read this or not but I will post in anywhere I want to...

I do miss my brother. I wished we had more time together. I'm envious when I hear my friends talk about how close they are with their older brothers, how even if they tease each other, they still love spending time with one another.

Maybe that's it...I can't really remember having a brother figure in life and I wish I could but it was such a long time ago. I miss having him around. Someone to goof of with. Someone who can drive me wherever I want....but I highly doubt Kuya Ricky would do that.

I'm making such a big deal of today that I don't even know if I want this day to end or not.

All I know is today is the 26th of August. A lot of people are celebrating their birthdays, a lot of my friends are celebrating their birthdays. My family is celebrating his birthday in heaven.

Exactly 9 years ago today, my brother died. I don't even know the cause of death but I don't care. He had Bone Cancer. He was 15 when he died.

He died without any of us near him. He was on his bed, in his room, all alone.

And what i truly and utterly know. What is true, what is a fact....is that I miss him and I love him.

(This one along with "Chritsmas at Asian Hospital" was meant to be a one blog entry but I decided to seperate them so that who ever reads could really focus on the two holidays.)

2008 ended not that well for me.

After spending christmas at Asian, I thought I could spend the New Year's at a relative's house or even our own house. But bad luck came on the 29th of December as I was admitted at the Parañaque Doctor's Hospital.

I was there up until January 2009.

Well at least I was awake when December 31, 2008 ended and we entered January 1, 2009. I even wanted to eat but as it turns out there were no more food left. I had a great view of the fireworks from my hospital room window, so it wasn't as bad as Christmas.

I didn't go to sleep right after, I watched Pirates of the Carribean (spell check?).

My stay there wasn't really that bad, I mean that's where I learned that I passed La Salle so it was great.

I was looking forward to Christmas this year. One, because it would have been my last christmas party at my high school and of course it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Would you believe the unthinkable happened. On the 19th of December I was admitted to Asian Hospital because of high fever and the possibility of Dengue.

And of course when you have dengue only light colored foods were approved to be eaten by the patient. That was a nice Noche Buena only white meat and nothing else.

I missed the oragnization party at my school and other activities at that time. And would you believe, I was asleep even before 10 p.m. on the Eve of Christmas.

But I was grateful that I could go home the next day, thanks to my parents (asking the hospital to discharge me )

A lot of people expect a lot from the graduating batch.

When I wasn't a senior, I expected a lot from the Seniors I grew up with. they were the ones that were supposed to take command. they were the ones who were supposed to be a model we will follow.

But now that I am Senior, i realize that it is hard to fill in the expectations of so many. I believe I can pass through the expectations of people from me. I just never really expected that it was hard.

Seniors are the main models of the school. They are the leaders. They are the Ates and Kuyas of the other students.

But aside from those things they are also students who do have a lot of difficulties too. People expect that since you're graduating you're are the oldest students you are more mature. more intelligent and more responsible.

We are in sense all of those things. But to concentrate on those expectations and to be able to concentrate on stuides and responsibilities takes a lot of effort from a person which makes everyone go home tired, exhausted.

But what I say to those challenges, bring it on!! This is my last year and I plan to make the best out of it!

this was written last November 23, 2007.

Have you ever had a day in which you just want to kill yourself for all the stupid things you've done in that stupid day. (in this case, 'this stupid day') At first the day started out right but then it entered a hell of a swirling vertex, turning it upside down.

If you were me, what could you do? If you had that day, what would you do? if you had a bad day what would you do?

I guess there really is a day for every one of us. A day in our lives that everything we do turns out to be, well something you didn't expect but maybe thats what makes it LIFE.

We may call it an Unlucky Day or just a simple Bad day. Maybe there is more to that than meets the eye.

We get maybe just one bad day in an entire year, we may think that all the other days are normal and some days are the greatest but when we look at it in another point of view every day is the same the only problem is that some people live tomorrow differntly than yesterday.

Have you ever imagined what would had happened if you lived the same way each day? Each day you start with a prayer; each day you hear mass; each day you visit your other relatives; each day you celebrate.

We can't you know why? Some one assigned a specific holiday for each day that we can't live each day the same.

But what is the same? Live each day the same, what is it? How about living each day to the fullest. Sounds great.